Person I Hate Most

I swear . . I fuckin' HATE myself . . Sometimes, I feel like I'm the most HORRIBLE/SELFISH person I know . I never make anyone happy completely without fuckin' up .

Sadly, some of those people are my parents and grandmothers . . Most important people in my life . . I don't remember ever makin' 'em proud . All I do is fuck up in life . Period .

It's funny how A LOT of things are handed to me and yet all I do is mess up . Shit, it all starts back since I was a kid . . my dad once bought me a Sega system . . right the next week, what do you know . . I fuckin' broke it . I never completely hold on to somethin' without ever breakin' it .

I feel like I take things for granted . I know we don't have it the best but at the same time, my parents work hard enough just to put food on the plate . I should be thankful enough and I shouldn't be constantly disappointing them .

Education is the only thing they ask from me . . to go through it and pass it . I mean, I UNDERSTAND where they're comin' from . . just like every other parent(s), they "only want the best for their kid ." And I mean it's true .

But I get sooo caught up with my OWN intentions that I forget to appreciate them . I wanna follow my dreams but I can't cuz of college . I NEED to go to college just for them . . and I AM doin' it; but not the way they want it .

I failed to graduate highschool . I mean I just finished summer school and I'm about to get my diploma soon . . but the fact they never got to see me walk on stage and congratulate me, take pictures with/of me wearing my gown with a big smile on our faces, havin' a party for my success, etc . . it fuckin' kills me EVERY SINGLE DAY .

My girlfriend always tells me to move on . . but it's harder than it is . I seriously tear up thinkin' about it . Not graduatin' is probably the most disappointin' thing I could've ever done both for myself & parents . That's why it kills me . I mean, if it was up to ME ? Shit, I don't give a flyin' fuck about graduation . . but it's the fact that my PARENTS couldn't experience/see their FIRST BORN walk on that stage is what fuckin' kills me .

It's my fault I know . . I just didn't work hard enough . I don't blame ANYONE for my own mistakes . I mean I always make the excuse "oh the fuckin' school put me in a math class I wasn't even supposed to be in !" But I know deep inside, if I just tried enough . . I could've passed it . . and walked off on the graduation stage .

The thing about me is . . I HATE gettin' help . I wanna do everything on my own . Even when I do ask for help, it kills me cuz FUCK, now I owe this person shit . I HATE that . Even if it's just borrowing a dollar . . it bothers me . Cuz I should be strong enough to handle my problems on my own . And when I owe people shit, the expectations are just there; they did it for you, so when they need you, you better not fuck up .

But sometimes, my own pride is what hurts people around me . . Tonight my mom and I were talkin' (more like arguin') to what I'ma do with college . . She offered to take me to CSN (community college here in Las Vegas) to check the requirements/campus and I quickly answered "umm, I don't know if I wanna go . . I told y'all, I don't wanna go there . . "

From then on, it just turned to back & forth arguin' . I told her how I felt/my plans . But I think it hurt her more than it'd made her understand . Cuz when I told her how I felt, it seemed like I was blamin' her and my dad for my setbacks .

Sometimes, I seriously cannot help to feel that way just because of personal issues . I know sooo many people my age that ALREADY GOT IT MADE . Jobs, apartments, MONEY, cars, etc . It tears me apart inside to know I'm sooo behind compared to my peers . And sometimes, I feel like I'm behind cuz I always gotta make my parents happy . . happy that it stops me from havin' chances to fullfil my own wantings; MONEY ($$$) , car, job . . basically MY OWN LIFE; I just want them to stop worryin' about me and give me a chance to run my own life . . they already have enough problems . . I just feel like I shouldn't be one of those anymore . .

But then . . I shouldn't blame 'em . . cuz they only want the best for me and they ARE tryna help me . . just not in the way I want 'em to help me . And I feel SELFISH cuz of that . . I only wanna do my own plans and start my own life . . when THEY should be a part of my life .

I think I'm just makin' things harder for everyone; me, my grandmother(s), my parents . . by not followin' my parents' plans for me . It's just . . I have DREAMS I wanna fullfil . . and it doesn't correlate with their dreams for me :/

But yea, tonight's conversation just left a blank face on my mom's face . . and it hurts . . cuz we never got to finish our conversation . . she just went upstairs quiet after I told her about my feelings . . her last words were "okay, I'm here for you . . I'll support you through anything just as long as it doesn't involve committing bad things . . go do whatever you want ."

To me, it just didn't sound legit . . cuz I feel like she's givin' me that unconditional love; she'll be there for me even if it hurts her inside . And that's the LAST thing I want . . I don't wanna be happy if my parents, especially my MOM, aren't happy . . I hate lookin' at my mom with a blank/sad/disappointed face . . I can't even look straight at her ://

Man . . if you ever wonder who I hate the most (no it ain't Lil' Wayne hah) . . it's ME/MY OWN SELF . . .

-M.C.