Person I Hate Most

I swear . . I fuckin' HATE myself . . Sometimes, I feel like I'm the most HORRIBLE/SELFISH person I know . I never make anyone happy completely without fuckin' up .

Sadly, some of those people are my parents and grandmothers . . Most important people in my life . . I don't remember ever makin' 'em proud . All I do is fuck up in life . Period .

It's funny how A LOT of things are handed to me and yet all I do is mess up . Shit, it all starts back since I was a kid . . my dad once bought me a Sega system . . right the next week, what do you know . . I fuckin' broke it . I never completely hold on to somethin' without ever breakin' it .

I feel like I take things for granted . I know we don't have it the best but at the same time, my parents work hard enough just to put food on the plate . I should be thankful enough and I shouldn't be constantly disappointing them .

Education is the only thing they ask from me . . to go through it and pass it . I mean, I UNDERSTAND where they're comin' from . . just like every other parent(s), they "only want the best for their kid ." And I mean it's true .

But I get sooo caught up with my OWN intentions that I forget to appreciate them . I wanna follow my dreams but I can't cuz of college . I NEED to go to college just for them . . and I AM doin' it; but not the way they want it .

I failed to graduate highschool . I mean I just finished summer school and I'm about to get my diploma soon . . but the fact they never got to see me walk on stage and congratulate me, take pictures with/of me wearing my gown with a big smile on our faces, havin' a party for my success, etc . . it fuckin' kills me EVERY SINGLE DAY .

My girlfriend always tells me to move on . . but it's harder than it is . I seriously tear up thinkin' about it . Not graduatin' is probably the most disappointin' thing I could've ever done both for myself & parents . That's why it kills me . I mean, if it was up to ME ? Shit, I don't give a flyin' fuck about graduation . . but it's the fact that my PARENTS couldn't experience/see their FIRST BORN walk on that stage is what fuckin' kills me .

It's my fault I know . . I just didn't work hard enough . I don't blame ANYONE for my own mistakes . I mean I always make the excuse "oh the fuckin' school put me in a math class I wasn't even supposed to be in !" But I know deep inside, if I just tried enough . . I could've passed it . . and walked off on the graduation stage .

The thing about me is . . I HATE gettin' help . I wanna do everything on my own . Even when I do ask for help, it kills me cuz FUCK, now I owe this person shit . I HATE that . Even if it's just borrowing a dollar . . it bothers me . Cuz I should be strong enough to handle my problems on my own . And when I owe people shit, the expectations are just there; they did it for you, so when they need you, you better not fuck up .

But sometimes, my own pride is what hurts people around me . . Tonight my mom and I were talkin' (more like arguin') to what I'ma do with college . . She offered to take me to CSN (community college here in Las Vegas) to check the requirements/campus and I quickly answered "umm, I don't know if I wanna go . . I told y'all, I don't wanna go there . . "

From then on, it just turned to back & forth arguin' . I told her how I felt/my plans . But I think it hurt her more than it'd made her understand . Cuz when I told her how I felt, it seemed like I was blamin' her and my dad for my setbacks .

Sometimes, I seriously cannot help to feel that way just because of personal issues . I know sooo many people my age that ALREADY GOT IT MADE . Jobs, apartments, MONEY, cars, etc . It tears me apart inside to know I'm sooo behind compared to my peers . And sometimes, I feel like I'm behind cuz I always gotta make my parents happy . . happy that it stops me from havin' chances to fullfil my own wantings; MONEY ($$$) , car, job . . basically MY OWN LIFE; I just want them to stop worryin' about me and give me a chance to run my own life . . they already have enough problems . . I just feel like I shouldn't be one of those anymore . .

But then . . I shouldn't blame 'em . . cuz they only want the best for me and they ARE tryna help me . . just not in the way I want 'em to help me . And I feel SELFISH cuz of that . . I only wanna do my own plans and start my own life . . when THEY should be a part of my life .

I think I'm just makin' things harder for everyone; me, my grandmother(s), my parents . . by not followin' my parents' plans for me . It's just . . I have DREAMS I wanna fullfil . . and it doesn't correlate with their dreams for me :/

But yea, tonight's conversation just left a blank face on my mom's face . . and it hurts . . cuz we never got to finish our conversation . . she just went upstairs quiet after I told her about my feelings . . her last words were "okay, I'm here for you . . I'll support you through anything just as long as it doesn't involve committing bad things . . go do whatever you want ."

To me, it just didn't sound legit . . cuz I feel like she's givin' me that unconditional love; she'll be there for me even if it hurts her inside . And that's the LAST thing I want . . I don't wanna be happy if my parents, especially my MOM, aren't happy . . I hate lookin' at my mom with a blank/sad/disappointed face . . I can't even look straight at her ://

Man . . if you ever wonder who I hate the most (no it ain't Lil' Wayne hah) . . it's ME/MY OWN SELF . . .

-M.C.

When Your Hero Falls

When your hero falls from grace

all fairy tales are uncovered

Myths exposed & pain magnified

The greatest pain discovered

You taught me to be strong

But I'm confused to see you weak

You said never to give up

And it hurts to see you welcome defeat

When your hero falls, so do the stars

and so does the perception of tomorrow

Without my hero there is only

me alone to deal with my sorrow

Your heart ceases to work

and your soul is not happy at all

What are you expeted to do

when your hero falls down ?

- 2Pac

Man, I swear, that's one of my favorite poems of all time . Not cuz it's by 2Pac but because it's soo true . It hurts to see the people you look up to when they're at their worst . But not just that . It hurts when their shine or glory seem tainted . Like what you thought they were was the complete opposite of what they really are .

I don't know . There's this girl I admired soo much during end of '07/early '08 . Funny, I never met this girl AT ALL . I just seen her work/art/writing on deviantart.com (art website I used to be always on) and on MySpace . I was seriously IN LOVE with this girl hahaha :P

She was just sooo fuckin' POSITIVE and ARTISTIC and pretty; that's why I was soo into her . When I say I was in love or into her . . I mean, like I admired her SO MUCH . I never liked her cuz wtf, we hardly talked and I never met her haha .
But yea, the times we talked, it blew me away aha, as lame as that sounds . She was/still is one of my heroes today; that's why . When you get to talk to your idol, regardless of how much you know them personally, of course it's gon' be amazing . It's like when fans see their fav. musician/sports athlete . To me, talkin' to her was amazing cuz her artwork AND philosophy in life amazed me .

She made me into a more positive person without actually talkin' to her constantly . Just readin' her writings about her own personal problems and the way she handled them, it just made me into a less negative person . And dang, she was one great photographer .

But I stopped followin' her life/work in middle of '08 . I don't know, guess just got too busy . But every once in a while, I'd check up on her stuff . And tonight was one of those nights . Wow, I actually havn't checked up on her shit since like December prior to tonight .

But anyways, I went on her MySpace and saw she hasn't been on for 2 months . So I googled her stuff on Flickr . But then I noticed somethin' on Google; it was like the second thing that popped when I searched her up . And the title was "Rosie Hardy (her name) Plagiarism" .

I was kinda like "what the fuck ? what's that supposed to mean ?"

I clicked on it and supposedly, she's a 'fraud' . That she claimed her artwork is original but are supposedly fake . Blah blah blah . All of this stuff . It kinda hurt me in a way . I know it sounds dumb I'm gettin' hurt . I don't know . . so many people were leavin' comments callin' her fake . . blah blah blah . And there's like pictures/evidence supportin' that claim .

It just hurt me cuz she's my hero . . it's funny how she's my hero cuz we're only about the same age . . I actually think she's younger than me . But anyways . . yea, it was just like "whoa, her work are copies of others ??"

Man, I honestly don't really care if they are . Cuz art ? Art is INSPIRATION . Every art you'll see is a mere 'copy' AKA INSPIRATION of another one . . It just bothered me how people made her sound like a COMPLETE bad person for 'copying' other people's artwork . .

Wow yea, I know . . I'm weird . . This shouldn't affect me at all lol but it does . . cuz she's still one of my heroes . . regardless of how much I know about her or know her personally . . cuz at one point, she did change my life .

-M.C.

Lies

I always get in fights with people verbally these days . I remember not givin' a fuck at all back in the days when I was younger . I just let arguements slip off like nothin' . I would never show my emotions at all even if I knew I was right cuz I never saw the point of arguin' with people when they're just not gon' listen to me; I would just get quiet for hours and try to cool off . I wouldn't talk to anyone 'til I was calm again . . then everything was all good and back to normal again with the people I was just mad at .

But as the years passed by, shit got worse . I don't know, I just got TOO real with people . I stopped givin' a fuck if I hurt someone's feelings; long as they knew the truth and how I felt . I got fed up with all the lyin' and fakin' . I never liked lies/fakin' to begin with . I remember, I was still real to people but nice at the same time around '07 and the years before that . . but with all the bullshit that happened in '06-'07, it forced me to change as a person .

By 'the end of '07, I was such a different person; I realized I really only needed my closest friends . So I didn't really bother payin' much attention to the people that weren't important to me . . so I said anything to them, even if it wasn't so nice . Like I'm talkin' 'bout even with people I was HELLA cool with .

I'm not sayin' I'm not the ONLY one who gets constantly lied to (I'm pretty sure everyone does) but I got enough reasons why I don't trust anyone . . FULLY . I've lost most of my friends to lies . But I can honestly say proudly, I was never the one to lie to a friend that I lost . Man, I don't even feel like I lost friends; I feel like they lost ME . It hurts to 'lose' a friend, but when I see too much fakeness & not a lot of change, it just gets tiring; your hopes & beliefs constantly get crushed . . It gets tiring ESPECIALLY when YOU'RE the only one tryin' to make adjustments to save a frienship .

But yea, reason I'm writin' this is cuz I've fully realized why I constantly argue with people these days . It's funny, cuz I can say 97% of my assumptions came true or EVENTUALLY came true [as months passed] . People always think I'm always tryin' to start fights; but it ain't even like that, I'm just observant of my environment & the things happenin' around it; I'm just expressin' my thoughts/opinions/feelings . I mean, yea, I don't blame people for gettin' mad/frustrated at me cuz I always got some negative thought floatin' on my head about 'em . But hey, at least I'M FUCKIN' HONEST .

I swear, the SMALLEST situation can trigger my cynical side . ONE little mistake can change my outlook on a person . Just cuz I feel like everyone should know wtf's the difference between wrong and right . I mean, don't get it twisted, just cuz my outlook on you changes a bit, don't mean I'm not gon' give you a chance to prove me wrong . I always try to look at other people's perspective, and when I realize I'm wrong, shit I'll admit MY mistakes .

But that's the problem with people . . they don't fuckin' know how to be honest . What pisses me off the MOST is when PEOPLE LIE ABOUT THE SMALLEST THING ! For example : not lettin' me know what's their plans cuz they're scared I might get hurt/mad . Shit, ok say I get hurt/mad, TRUST ME, that's WAAAY better than me BEING MAD/HURT CUZ YOU LIED AND KEPT A SECRET . At least you were fuckin' honest, you know ?

You know what's the FUNNIEST thing ? That people hate it when I assume . But the thing is : I assume cuz PEOPLE ASSUME about me . Nah seriously . Isn't that the number one reason why people lie ?? Cuz they assume about other people . People lie to me (& to everyone else) CUZ THEY ASSUME IF THEY TELL ME THE TRUTH, I'LL GET MAD .

But anyways, seriously though, I apologize if I doubt you (if you're my friend lol) SOO MUCH . It's not YOU; it seriously is ME [& all the fuckin' people that lied to me and changed me as a person] . I'm just soo used to people lyin' and be fake to me . . so my number one response, all the time, when I see somethin' I don't like from someone, is TO ASSUME and prepare for the worst . I really wish I can change that . . cuz I thought about things . . I bug soo many people sometimes with my assumptions and my life was sooo much better when I didn't worry so much .


-M.C.