Biggest Fear

I usually don't tell people 'bout my biggest fears cuz I feel like they could use it against me [one day] . But I can honestly say my biggest fear is the lost of motivation . It might not make sense to some, but I truly believe losin' love is NOT my biggest fear; I've seen people walk away from me and yet, here I stand .

I feel like the day I stop/die, is the day I lose motivation (unless I somewhat get shot to death or get ran over by a car haha) . I've observed that the days I've felt depressed are the days where I had no motivation . Recently, my life's been a fuckin' jungle; it might not look like it, but that's cuz I probably rarely trust you and don't tell you shit and won't show you how things really are around my life .

Not graduating high school when I worked my ass off towards the end of the year, probably really hit me the hardest because I felt like I failed . I lost motivation in the sense of "damn, I actually tried and failed one step closer ." It's like if workin' hard doesn't cut it, what else can motivate you ? My parents/grandmother were really disappointed and hurt and for a while, I didn't know what to do . . and in that sense, nothin' was motivating me .

What's worse was, the motivation I had for the things I LOVED to do (drawing/music) declined over the year . . I drew waaay less than I did last year and musically, I feel like, I havn't practiced as much as I should've been . Nothing was motivating me, so even the things I loved couldn't rescue me from my depression .

Aside from that, family conflict/money problems/drama with immature people (also know as 'friends') weren't helpin' my motivation either, it only made things worse . It seemed like I was failing the people I love the most (family) and that's what made me feel like shit; it's like, if I can't even make these people happy now, how am I supposed to make 'em happy for the future ? I just didn't feel motivated cuz I felt like their support wasn't there no more . Then my 'friends' . . I love(d) these people u know ? But everyday, I just see fakeness around 'em and it makes me distant myself from them . . so it's like, I wasn't gettin' motivated by their actions .

But recently, I have realized I need to motivate MYSELF . Motivation comes . . but NOT every time . I feel like motivation comes from hard work . Cuz I mean, if you don't start NOW, when will you start ? It may not come as fast as you want, but I feel like if I work FOR MYSELF first and accomplish my goals first, eventually motivation will come . So in some ways/sense, I'M my biggest enemy cuz it's up to me whether I wanna be motivated or not . . and like I said, lost of motivation is the only thing that can kill me . .

-M.C.